And even though it all went wrong
I'll stand right here before the lord of song
With nothing on my tongue but, "Hallelujah."
And even though it all went wrong
The biopsy went smoothly enough. I look like I have a hickey now, no joke!
Cecil was there with me through it all. Still, he means well but....
After I made the post this morning, I went and curled up next to Cecil. He was still sleeping. I asked if he minded me curling up with him. He nodded and I crawled up onto the bed. He was sleeping, so, oh well. When he did wake up though, he asked me, "What was *your* issue this morning?" I told him that I was just really scared about the biopsy. He said, "It's going to be fine. Why get all worked up and have histrionics?"
Why couldn't Jesse just be my friend so I wouldn't feel so utterly alone right now?
I leave for the biopsy in about an hour and a half. I've been nervous about it, putting a good face on it, but honestly, I'm scared breathless.
to make matters worse, there is just no one who can give me the type of support I need. Cecil gives great reassurance. Nikki pretends nothing is happening. What I need is someone to hold me, let me be scared, and let me cry. All I have around me are people who can't cope with strong emotional expression and I couldn't feel lonelier if I tried.
I know Cecil loves me, but he can't really give me what I need here. So, I'm just sitting here, alone, crying and afraid.
I have to start getting ready in a few. I'll have to stop crying before I leave. I have to be perfectly still for this thing to be done.
I'm not even that scared about the biopsy itself. I'm terrified of the results. I've had a bad feeling in my gut about this. I've had for almost a full year, even though the blood work kept showing up normal.
If I could have one wish this morning, it would be to curl up next to Jesse, have his arms around me, and have his wonderful way of comforting and calming me without downplaying what's going on.
Wish in one hand, spit in the other.
I go in for the biopsy in one more week. I've done well at not thinking about up to now. The time has flown by though, and here I am.
(side note : I'm giving up on using initials instead of names. If anyone is stalker enough to try finding me and all the people I know, they have much bigger issues. As for J/Jesse, and T/Tessia, their paranoia should be soothed by understanding that they're not the only ones who have their names.)
Anyway, it looks like Cecil will be able to go with me next week. I'm glad for that. I don't want to go alone. I also don't want to sound like I don't appreciate that Cecil is here, because I do. I appreciate his presence and value his love and supportiveness. I adore that he's willing to hold my hand when I am afraid, without judging me for having fear.
At the same time, part of me wishes Jesse were going to be there for me. He was there through so much, and for him to not be here for this feels wrong and leaves me with a vague feeling of unease at the strangeness of facing such an event without him.
I'm doing better at not having him in my life, I think. I'm not waking up in the night and wishing I could speak to him. I'm not walking around feeling like I'm going to die from not having him in my life. It's possible that the counselor was right. I had been on the way to recovery from the heartbreak, the loss of the dreams, and the loss of the love of my life, but fell back into it when he said he wanted to be friends and stay in touch, but then didn't. Her take is that it was just too much like all the promises he made before and broke so thoughtlessly; and that similarity caused me to relive it all again.
Still, I don't have a day when he isn't in my thoughts, and his name is still my last thought at night and my first thought in the morning. The heart, my heart anyway, doesn't seem to care if he betrayed me, if he broke every promise ever made to me on his way out, or if he straight up lied about me to keep Tessia from leaving him. I still love him.
It's a sad, sobering thing to realize and accept that I'm facing such a huge moment in life and he won't be there.
I'm glad Cecil will be there. I'm glad he'll be with me when I get the news from the results, too. I'm glad I'll have someone with me who deserves to be there.
I'm just kind of hanging around until then. I mean, what do I do? I can't just curl up and hide. There's no one around to take care of me so I could do that. There are people depending on me for housing.
So, I wait.
Cw's game is about ready to go to market. We're looking at another 30 days worth of work to be ready to go. I'm going to be in charge of marketing. I'm already working up a few major events and where to open the ad placement and such. I'll post more as we get there. I'm certain that we'll generate interest though. He's almost through the greenlight process on Steam and similar processes on other sites. As soon as we're there, it'll be time to launch.
As far as the biopsy, I don't know what I'll do if it comes back as cancer. I can't afford the surgery, or the time off work for it. Thyroid disorder isn't really a joking matter. It makes you tired all the time, you can't live a normal life without replacement hormone. It also wrecks your immune system, so that you get sick all the time. A simple cold will turn into pneumonia without much prompting. Not getting a single nodule of cancer removed means I'm putting the entire thyroid at risk.
What do I do? I don't even know what to do, honestly. I guess all I can do is hope that it's not cancer.
due to the rapid growth, irregular shape and high resonance under ultrasound scan, this nodule is likely cancerous. Biopsy for confirmation is strongly recommended.
that's what the Dr read to me today.
I can't think.
When I left the hospital, I had one possible source for the chest pains. I had little else to go on. I set an appointment for my GP to follow up.
Welp, the GP let me know that while we just did a thyroid check that came back perfect, the results in the hospital weren't perfect. The body produces a hormone, TSH, which tells the thyroid when it needs to make more thyroid hormones. At the original testing, that was nice and healthy at a 1.2. It should never be over 2.3. Mine is at a 5... in 6 weeks.
So, I'm on thyroid replacement therapy again, for the first time in ages. I'm going to get an ultrasound on my thyroid today. I have appointments next week for the endocrinologist and for a cardiologist.
I have a ton of other thoughts in my head, but I'm always short of time to write! Hopefully I can write soon. My head is noisy again!
I wondered, if anything happened to me, would J ever know? It would be important to me that he knew. I wouldn't request that he show up for a memorial service, or have hope of him really mourning me, but I'd want him to know.
That led to me realizing that if anything happens to him, I won't know. It won't matter so much, in a way. Many years ago, J was ill and was in danger of dying. I went and had a tattoo put on my ankle that has his initials in it. I promised him then, no matter what I would remember him to the end of my days. He was so afraid of not being remembered...
I know that there are people who will remember me. That's not so much a concern for me. I may never be famous, but I'm OK with that, too. I've made my way through life, helped where I could and tried not to hurt others. There's some who will miss me and a few who are likely to throw a party if they outlive me.
As far as J is concerned though, it's not how he'd react that I'd care about. It's just realizing that he would never know.
It's so far away from all we had. It kinda takes my breath away to realize it.
I was sent home yesterday afternoon with no answers and at least one medical impossibility.
All the doctors could tell me was that my mitral valve prolapse has magically healed itself. It's a congenital defect. I've had it my entire life. It was diagnosed with a heart cath several years ago. Yes, I believe in miracles, but seriously, the complete healing of a hereditary defect in the structure of the heart?
A mitral valve prolapse is when the mitral valve doesn't seal properly, due to being shaped wrongly, and at times even flips backwards into the wrong chamber, causing a flutter in the heart. At all other times, the failure to seal allows blood to flow backwards in the heart.
I think the strangest part of it is that the doctor who was in the room with me actually got all excited and told me I've received a miracle, then started telling the staff the same thing. She was upstairs and talking to my doctor before I got up there. He looks at me as I come down the hall from the elevator and says to me, "I've just been told the news! Your prolapse has been healed!"
When I expressed skepticism and concern over still not knowing what caused the chest pains, I was told that it's good news and he was going to discharge me.
I have a call in to my GP, and an appointment for next week as well. She's far more level headed than that. I'm sure she'll be as unimpressed as I am with the miracle theory. I'm hoping to get in to see her before next week. I still don't feel right. I'm sure that the anxiety of not knowing what happened isn't helping any.
I'll push this as far and as hard as I need to, to get answers. When even the receptionist at my doctor's office is confused about the miracle theory, I don't have lots of faith in the diagnosis of "a miracle."
In the meantime, I did get myself set up with intermittent leave so if anything more happens, I'm covered.
I'm in the hospital right now. I came in from work yesterday. I spent the day in the ER and then got admitted last night.
They keep running the test for cardiac enzymes and one of the techs said that it was to be sure that the troponin levels were trending in the right direction.
Troponin is what gets released into your blood when you have a heart attack.
I'm a bit scared right now.