Eleiren (lifemovingfwd) wrote,

I am away too long

I know that I am.  I do try not to be.  I've been looking forward to the move.  I'm less than 30 days from moving day.  I can't quite settle myself that all will be well though.  My mind churns constantly about whether I'll have enough money, what if I miss work,what if I can't buy food, what if the car breaks down, and what if, and what if.

Reality being, I won't be supporting anyone else, and there's a great deal of what if that can be handled with a proper budget and not supporting others.  I know that sounds snide, but I don't mean it to be. It's simply that when I lived alone, in the course of a year, I fully furnished a place that I moved into with nothing but my computer desk and a bed.  In the first couple of months I'd fitted out the kitchen and a couple months later I bought a brand new couch and love seat.  I got sick and had the money for the doctor.  I was well on the way to saving for a car when I had Cecil and Nikki move in.  The savings whittled away over time.  I don't fault them for that.  I offered it.  I should have limited it a bit.  But again, that was my doing.

A friend of mine is concerned that I'll end up with a roomie in no time, having two bedrooms.  I promised him no one will move in until he does.  He laughed and accepted the promise.  The odds of his moving in are slim to nil, so the point is made.

I also have somewhat of a windfall coming shortly after the move.  I have stocks and in June this year, I'll be able to sell them.  It'll lead to me having rather more than enough to restore my saving account and cover my weekend with my kindred in July.  I'll have enough base income to cover my own expenses, and refurnish.

My mind is convinced I'm teetering on the brink of disaster though.  I have to wonder if it's because I'm afraid that the move won't happen... that this hell that I woke up to find myself in, will never end.  Nikki always watching everything I do, judging, condemning every act.  She even had a fit about me having dental work done.  She dared to judge that I shouldn't be saying I can't afford to move without their help because I can afford dental work.

I want to just stand a half in in front of her and shout, "You stupid cow! *I* planned ahead!  *I* set up a flex account to cover the cost so *I* could take care of myself no matter WHAT the two of you did!  I'm not spending cash or money I can use otherwise, and how dare *YOU* of all people try to stand in judgement over how *I* handle MY life!?"

Stupid, selfish, petty bitch.

Sorry, yes, that was my outside voice.  I'm so done with her.  It may end things with him, but so be it.  It's worth it to be rid of that self-righteous shrew.
Tags: change, emotions, fears, lessons, life, moving
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