Eleiren (lifemovingfwd) wrote,

Well, that was unexpected.

This may be a touch disjointed and typos or bad word choice are entirely possible.  I'm making this one from my phone while at work.  Did I ever mention that auto correct hates me?

Day before last, I was contacted by Jesse.  His aunt, who raised him, has died.  She and I were close, so he felt I should hear the news.

I was just stunned by the news.   I seriously felt like someone had punched me in the chest and knocked the wind out of me.  Within a couple of hours, the initial shock was wearing off and I left work early to give myself time to grieve a bit.

His aunt was crazy as they come, but she was also generous, caring, encouraging, and one of the most fierce people I've ever met.  When he and I split, I tried to stay in touch with her, but I just couldn't.   Every time I went to see her she tried to set me and Jesse up to be together at her place and work things out.   I loved her for the attempts, but I wasn't doing well.  I had to break contact.  I was still wanting what she tried to enable too much.

After I left the office, I went to see Jesse and spent a bit of time with he and his best friend, who I know well.   He's so much the same person he was, but I didn't feel the hurt or anything but relief and happiness to be able to talk to my old friend again.   Well, in between crying jags that we were both experiencing.  It was nice to be there though.

After Brandon left, Jesse and I went and grabbed burgers together.  While we ate I ended up telling him what's going on with my household.  It was crazy how much more steady I felt just from talking to him about it.  I also cried over it without "supportive" meaning "make the crying stop" for the first time.  That was an amazing release, and badly needed.  But then, Jesse and I never did have trouble expressing emotion to one another.  Given that we started talking in 1994, I'm not going to try counting how many times one of us has cried on the other's shoulder.

He did say that he means to talk to Tessia, that he also misses having me in his life.  Heh.  We've both felt roughly the same, there's a hole in our lives that the other fills and nothing and no one else can do.  I'm holding my breath on the one hand and trying to be realistic.  Tessia fears me being in contact with Jesse.  It's that simple. 

I suppose on the one hand, she did it to herself.  When you rip a relationship apart to get the guy, and you know that he loves the woman he was with, you get to spend your time terrified that she might come back.  

She, and everyone else needs to get on board with the idea that he and I both recognize that we just don't do so well when we go beyond friendship.   That's a bridge we aren't willing to cross again.  Every time we try, we end up not talking for years.

I did take the opportunity, given that this may well be the last brief moment to speak, to say several things to him.  Among those things was that he is the love of my life, always has been, always will be, and that even after everything, that's still true.  I told him that whether he is in my life or not, my heart doesn't change and no one will ever have the place he does.

He responded that he also feels that there is a place in his heart that no one will touch but me.

We stood by my car, hugging the life out of one another...  And it all felt right.  No intent to act on any emotions we were sharing, just taking the chance to say things we needed to.  I think we both must have needed to. That was easily the best hug of my life.   Even if we don't stay in touch now, it'll be OK.   He knows.  I know.  Now it's all OK.

I've been keeping tabs on him since then.  Dealing with his aunt's death is taking a heavy toll on him.     I just shoot him a text or a short call and ask how he's doing, drop a little moral support.

Somehow, the last time we had spoken, he went to talk to Tessia about talking to me again.  Before he could say anything, she was tearing into him about how she knew he was talking to me, accusing him of cheating on her, etc.  So, he didn't say anything at all.

Oddly, if she'd known what was said at the time, she wouldn't have been so freaked out...  Or, maybe she would have.   Not my circus, not my monkeys. 

Either way, I know I'll be OK now.   I do hope we don't have to say goodbye again though.

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